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Michelle Roufs thought her son was a healthy, happy 18-year-old.
Like most kids, he was into music. He liked rap, Led Zeppelin and classic techno. He had been on the religion bowl team, loved water skiing, and was on the debate and forensics teams.
She thought nothing of it when she heard the front door slam at their Newton home on March 21.
Jake was home.
She followed him upstairs and was standing outside his bedroom door. She heard a loud pop. The wall shook. She smelled the acrid aroma of smoke.
When the police finally were able to get Jake’s bathroom door open, and Jake fell to the floor, his mom said his hands were gently folded under one side of his face. His mother said it looked like he was sleeping.
“He was never an aggressive person. He never yelled at me. He was a very good boy; we had no real reason to believe he struggled with anything other than being a teenager,” Roufs said.
She never thought he would commit suicide.
As Roufs began to mourn the death of her son, she found there were people who knew Jake was in trouble. He told friends and even a parent he intended to kill himself, and he had set a date.
More than 33,000 people die from suicide in the United States annually. Harvey County’s suicide rate is twice the national average.
For every person who dies by suicide, there are six to eight people who are directly affected. Here is one family’s story.

Jake’s face had to be covered for his funeral service because of the damage the shotgun blast did to his face.
“I told them I don’t care about seeing his face; I want to hold his hand,” Roufs said.
And so his mother did for hours of visitation before the burial.
“I was in and out. I was somewhere, and then I was somewhere else, and I didn’t know how I got there,” she said.
The funeral director approached her at one point and asked about a funeral plot.
“I asked, ‘Why do I need a funeral plot? I am too young.’ He said it was for Jake,” she said.
Roufs said Jake could not have anticipated the pain his death would inflict on his family.
“There’s so much anger, and you think there’s a big hole that has been made,” she said. “Depression is an amazing thing. He did this even though Jake never wanted to put us through heartache. He always wanted to cheer you up. He didn’t want to cause any sadness.
“With this action, he took all his pain and left the rest of us just broken.”
It’s been five months since Jake died. Most people have expected the family to move on, but Morgan, Jake’s 16-year-old sister, said she can’t.
She still counts the days since her brother’s death.
She still grieves.
“A lot of the time, I would forget that Jake was gone. In the third month, I waited at the door for him to come home. It was after curfew, and I thought, ‘Oh, he’s going to be in trouble,’ but then I would remember, and I would cry and cry.”
Roufs said she often told her son she loved him. She said some considering suicide may think their family will be better off, but it is the complete opposite.
“Think if you were to leave, what a horrible spot it leaves for other people,” she said.

Jake’s mother described her son as an extremely friendly young man, who was a strong Catholic and was very patriotic. He was a senior at Valley Center High School, as he did not want to change schools when his family recently moved to Newton. Jake was never diagnosed with depression or mental illness.
Morgan said her brother hid his feelings from his family.
“He was a happy-go-lucky kid. His friends thought he had everything. He always was the first one to play pranks on his friends. He was a very funny guy and a best friend,” she said. “He always made sure we were protected. He really didn’t need to.”
Roufs said she had only seen small changes in Jake as graduation approached and he faced major life decisions about his future.
He had become a little bit quieter and was hanging out with his friends a lot, she said.
Jake complained of severe headaches, but his parents took him to a doctor, who found no serious problems.
After his death, Roufs began reading Jake’s journal and discovered a different picture of her son.
Jake told his parents he did not intend to got to college, so he tapped into several thousand dollars he had set back for college and began to spend it.
“In his journal, he said he didn’t want to go to college at all. He said he was afraid of being a disappointment to his parents,” she said.
He said in his journal he feared his headaches were an indicator of a more serious problem. He said he was afraid. He said he wanted to die.

 After Jake’s death, a friend’s mother contacted Roufs saying she had some pictures of Jake.
In a series of calls, Roufs became suspicious, so she asked: “Did you know that Jake was going to kill himself?”
“Sure, I knew. Everybody did,” was her answer.
Roufs face tightened.
“I have never been in such a black rage in my whole life,” she said. “She knew and did nothing. She said she tried to cheer him up. I would have had him in a hospital, not in a cemetery.”
Despite many good friends, Roufs said certain people close to Jake may have been using him for his college money and been reluctant to come forward with his threats of suicide.
One of Jake’s last entries in his journal was, “Friends disappoint you,” Roufs said.
“I think he was trying to tell somebody. I think he wanted someone to get him help,” she said.

Morgan and her mother have been at the forefront in the family and in the community of bringing light to the issue of depression and suicide.
They are members of the Harvey County Suicide Coalition.
“I have a need to help others,” Roufs said. “I never want another parent or child to go through this. I am not foolish to think I can stop suicide, but I would like to see this thing through.”
Morgan and other young people in the coalition intend to produce a play this spring about suicide, which will include portions of Morgan’s experiences with the loss of her brother.
The youth hope to perform the play several times in the community, including at a youth rally aimed at raising awareness about suicide prevention.
Coalition members, with the help of mental-health agency Prairie View, printed 5,000 yellow ribbon cards, with the numbers of local and national suicide hotlines on them to be distributed in the community.
Morgan said she wants other teens to know they are not alone. There is help out there.
“I think people who think about committing suicide think no one knows them and no one feels like they do,” Morgan said. “I want them to know and them to realize they are not the only one. There are other people who feel the same.”

By Cristina Janney, The Newton Kansan, Newton, Kansas.  September 18, 2010.